By Lisa Black

1. Your title is whatever your boss says it is. There are no uniform titles or ranks among agencies, though there will be a structure within each agency, of course, with internal requirements to move from one position to another. That may seem obvious, but the forensic unit of your local police department may have completely different titles and resumes than a unit in your neighboring county’s sheriff’s office or the state lab.
2. You probably know this, but we don’t wear high heels or designer clothes to work. At the coroner’s office, in the lowest paid county in the state, we were given nothing, not even business cards or a jacket with ‘Forensics’ on the back. At the police department I was issued everything except underwear and socks. None if it was flattering, but hey, it made deciding what to wear much easier.
3. Speaking of those jackets, I don’t care how large an agency is, the forensic unit will not be. If some unauthorized person snitched a ‘Forensics’ jacket or hat or T shirt off the back of the crime scene can and strode past the yellow tape, he’d be immediately greeted with “Who are you?”
4. CSIs don’t tell the detectives who to arrest or who to hold for questioning, and we certainly don’t question them ourselves (beyond perhaps asking a homeowner who’s been burgled, ‘Was this door open or shut when you arrived home?’). There’s a good bet the detective thinks the CSI is an idiot. There’s an equally good chance that the CSI thinks the detective is an idiot. There’s a slightly less good chance that they like and respect each other. As with all jobs, people vary.
5. If another agency such as the FBI or the neighboring county insists that they have jurisdiction, no one argues. We say great, thanks, have a nice night and go home.
6. Decomposed bodies really do smell quite bad, but I’ve never seen anyone put menthol gel under their noses. If you really have a problem with it, use two masks. If you really don’t want to smell anything, put a swimmer’s nose clip on your nose under the mask, though I’ve never seen anyone do that except me and it was only for a special project. (Cleaning out the deep freeze at the coroner’s office. You don’t want to know more, trust me.)
7. We’re not paramedics. We don’t run out the door the second we get a call. We gather our equipment, grab a bottle of water and/or a travel mug of coffee if we think it might take a while, and above all use the bathroom because you never know how long it will take.
8. Keep mints or hard candy in your pocket in case you get thirsty because you didn’t bring your water bottle because you thought it would be a quick one. Or you did, but don’t want to walk past the grieving family to get it.
9. It’s never a quick one.

There’s so much more, but I’ll stop there. I’m out of mints and can’t find my water bottle.

Readers – tell us the biggest myths/disclaimers/unexpected facts of your profession.