Want to Know What He’s Like in Bed? Read on…
By Sonja Stone
I feel the same way about sex that I do about weapons.
No, it’s not bigger is better. It’s this: Safety first. Which is why I pulled out a sleeve of trojans and a cucumber to demonstrate the proper way to apply a condom to my horrified children.
Having said that, let me remind you that I write for young adults. I don’t write sex scenes. I know young adults have sex; I’m not an idiot. This isn’t about me taking a moral stand. Exploring our sexuality is a healthy part of being human. But I started my first novel when my kids were in middle school. They’d come home, I’d hand them the day’s pages, and that’s how it went.
And it’s not that I don’t want to hear about their sex lives; I’ve tried to establish an environment where my kids can talk to me about anything. But no one—I REPEAT NO ONE—wants to think about their parents having sex. Ever. As far as I’m concerned, my parents had sex twice, and both times resulted in a child.
I can’t add a sex scene to a book written for my children without them thinking, “Hmm. Mom’s talking about sex… Wonder how she came up with that.”
So since I can’t write about, let’s talk about it.
Let me tell you what’s NOT fun: entering the dating scene at the same time as your kids. I don’t know what I’m doing out there. But I know this: what looks cute on 20 does not look cute on 40. Which is why I’m grateful that even though my arms are super buff and I could totally pull it off, I never got that tribal armband tattoo. But that also means I can’t resort to the same tricks I used last time around (let’s just say there was a lot of tequila involved, and leave it at that).
Fortunately, I have a theory that’s always served me well. It’s enabled me to sort the wheat from the chaff without making much of a commitment. Are you ready?
HOW TO TELL WHAT HE’S LIKE IN BED (Without Taking Off Your Clothes)
This is a true statement:
I can tell what a man is like in bed by watching him eat.
As far as I know, this doesn’t work for women (at least it wouldn’t apply for me—I don’t have sex like I eat). I think the gender discrepancy is about socialization; girls and women are generally more courteous at the dinner table (I said GENERALLY. I know there are exceptions. My oldest child, for example.).
|Food is so sensual.|
Think about the man you’re with (or the one you want to be with): how does he satiate himself?
Does he devour his food, jumping from one dish to the next? Does he carefully finish his roasted chicken before moving on to his salad? Does he eat with his fingers, licking them clean after a few bites? Does he offer you a taste? Take from your plate without asking? Is he ravenous, picky, selective, refined, up for anything? Does he sample international cuisine? Does he use his thumb instead his knife to push food onto his fork? Does he say thank you, regardless of what you’ve cooked for him? If you enjoy watching him eat, you’ll probably enjoy other aspects of his appetite.
Please note the absolute lack of judgment in all previous statements. Jane thinks finger-licking is sexy, Sue finds it repulsive. Whatever. I vehemently believe that what consenting adults do in the privacy of their own home is none of my business or concern.
So no matter your flavor, I hope you find a lover to suit your tastes.
Take the quiz to find your perfect match!
Photo credit: Jin n tonic Josh by Robert Bejil Productions
Omg, Sonja, I loved this post. It's so wise, and fun, and realistic. And so I did what I had no intention of doing – I took the test, and loved the result. Thanks for a terrific, eye-opening trip!
Gayle, you're such a good sport! Always!
Great post, Sonja. It made me laugh, made me think about how my husband eats, made me think about having the sex talk with my own kids. And I took the quiz, too. Not what I expected!
As long as you didn't have to think about your parents, Christine… 😉 I'm glad you got a laugh out of it!
I took the quiz, though I'm kind of embarrassed about it. I have not shared it with my husband, either the quiz or the results.
S. Lee, if it makes you feel any better, the quiz was entirely fabricated and has no scientific basis whatsoever. 🙂